Better Than I Know Myself
by Maslover13
Summary: "I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge..." James and Darcy have fallen in love and James is determined to keep their new life together a secret. But with James beginning to fall into a life of trouble that his thoughts predicted will he be able to lay low in the spotlight? Sequel to "Keep Your Head Up, James Diamond".
1. Introduction

**Flashbacks and Echoes **

Introduction

I had learned to pinch myself every few minutes of my life because it was hard to tell what was real and what wasn't.

I had learned that quickly.

Life was great but It had become hard to keep my private life, well, private.

The "Big Time Rush" craze was at its peak and we were all forced to continue acting like we were the 16 year olds we were when the band started.

I was 24, acting 16 was the last thing I thought of.

I had successfully kept Darcy a secret. Ever since I had met Darcy after I had awaken from my strange dream after I had knocked myself out we had been inseparable.

I have to think my weird dream, I feel like it warned me about what could happen if I let the money and fame go to my head.

I will admit, I hadn't been the best person I could be. Occasionally I was part of the person I was in my dream...

Darcy and I had been blessed with two daughters, Peyton being 3 and Mia being 2.

We had been married for two years, with beautiful kids and the paparazzi had yet to find out anything about our life.

It was growing harder though to keep it all a secret. When an interviewer asks who the most influential people are in my life I always want to answer by saying my wife and two daughters.

I didn't want my family to receive death threats so I refused to mention them in any interviews or to anyone.

Kendall, Carlos, Logan and our families were the only ones who knew.

And Thats how I planned to keep my life from everyone.

A secret.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

*Just a note. I'm not making James's life in this story exactly like his dream. It's twisted a little bit. So Mia and Peyton aren't twins They're just Sisters .*

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Mia shouted as she ran into my room, jumping on the bed and landing on top of me.

"Daddy! Wake up!" She said, jumping up and down on the bed.

Mia was for sure my child. She always had been closer to me than she had with Darcy and she looked exactly like me.

I groaned, stretching as I woke up, "Good morning, sweetie."

She jumped off of the bed, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of bed.

"Mommy took Peyton to the mall but I said I wanted to stay with you today!" She said as I fixed my sweatpants on my hips.

"Mia, you could've gone with them." I said, rubbing her hair.

"But I wanted to stay with you, daddy." She said, handing me one of my old T-shirts from the floor.

"What's this for?" I questioned, taking it and looking down at my two year old.

"To put on!" She said, covering her eyes, "Ewwy!"

I laughed, pulling the shirt over my head.

Suddenly, I heard the phone begin to ring and I walked into the kitchen to answer it.

"Hey, Darcy." I said when I saw that the caller ID was her.

"Jamie, I don't feel good." She said into the phone and I instantly grew worried.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"It feels like what I felt like when I first found out I was pregnant with Mia..." She answered and my stomach instantly began to turn. "I'm coming home with Peyton."

I told her to be careful and that I loved her before hanging up the phone.

I ran my fingers through my hair as I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch.

We didn't need another kid. It was the LAST thing we needed.

I sighed, standing up and walking to the back deck of our house, grabbing my hidden pack of cigarettes on the way out.

I stood outside, lighting up the cigarette and taking a puff of it.

"DADDY! I'M TELLING MOMMY!" Mia yelled, frankly scaring the shit out of me.

Darcy had found out that I had started smoking a few weeks ago and she took all my lighters and cigarettes from me that she could find. She told me it was bad for Peyton and Mia and she demanded that I stop.

I always thought back on my dream when I puffed on the addictive sticks. I thought back to how I was a drug addict.

I'm not gonna lie, I have been doing drugs...

I know, I know. It's bad. I just couldn't help it. When life got stressful and no one listened, drugs were there.

"Mia!" I yelled, putting out the cigarette and running after her.

"Mommy said that was bad for you!" She said, pouting.

"Mia, please don't tell mommy, okay? Let's keep this between us." I pleaded, bending down to her level, "Here, do you want ice cream? Let's go get ice cream!" I tried to reason with her.

"No! Mommy said you can't have those! She said they were cancer sticks!" Mia said, big tears forming in her eyes, "You're my best friend. I don't want to lose you, daddy."

I looked down at her, picking her up in my arms.

"Sweetie..." I started but was stopped when Darcy walked through the door.

"Daddy, mommy's sick." Peyton said as they both walked through the door.

Darcy gave me a "This is serious." look and I rushed to her side as the girls reluctantly trotted upstairs.

"James, it's the exact same feeling I had when I first found out we were having Mia." Darcy said, rubbing my arm.

"We haven't had sex recently, it's not possible." I said, pacing in the kitchen with my hands in my hair.

"Jamie...Kendall's party...3 weeks ago...the back of your car." Darcy reminded me.

I groaned, not wanting to believe this.

I grabbed my keys and my wallet, starting out the door.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

"No where."


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 **

"Logan, Darcy's pregnant again." I said as my friend took two beers from the fridge of apartment 2J.

"Damn James, learn how to keep it in your pants." Kendall commented as he walked into the conversation.

I rolled my eyes, taking a drink, "Shut up, Kendall. It was at your party."

He crinkled up his nose in disgust as he took a seat beside me.

"Where's Carlos?" I questioned, looking for the Latino boy.

"He said something about helping Gustavo in the studio, I don't know." Logan answered, leaning against the counter.

"So what did you say to Darcy?" Kendall asked, motioning for Logan to grab him a beer.

I sat the bottle down, "Nothing. I, I just left."

I thought back on my actions and how stupid I was.

I shouldn't have just left her. She's probably at home now crying. Mia and Peyton probably hate me.

"You left her?" Kendall and Logan both asked in unison.

"I'm an idiot." I said, putting my head in my hands.

Kendall patted my back as I heard my phone begin to ring.

I pulled the device from my pocket, seeing it was Darcy.

"Hello?" I answered frantically.

"James, I'm going to stay with my mom tonight." She said into the phone and I could hear that she had been crying.

"Darcy-"

"James, save it. I don't want to hear it right now."

"Are you leaving the girls with me?" I asked, hoping she'd say she would,

"Mia refuses to go and Peyton is crying if I don't take her with me. Do the math." Darcy said before hanging up on me.

"What's wrong?" Logan asked, noticing the concern on my face.

"She's leaving for the night." I answered, feeling myself beginning to cry.

"Dude, it's okay. Just...here." Logan said, handing me another bottle of beer.

"No, I have to go home to Mia." I protested but Logan and Kendall both pushed the bottle closer to me.

"Come on, James. It's been a bad night. Let's just all relax."

Two turned to four and four turned to six and before I knew it the whole room was spinning and my words were slurring.

I stumbled to the door, laughing at nothing as I stepped into the hallway.

I stumbled down the hall and to the elevators.

As the doors opened I felt myself run into someone, "James? I haven't seen you here for a while!" I heard Camille say.

"HeyCamille." I slurred, losing my footing and falling into her shoulder.

"Oh my god...Are you drunk?" She asked and I laughed, shaking my head no.

"James, I know you've been drinking...heavily. Let me take you home." She said, latching onto my arm to steady me.

I laughed some more, honestly not knowing where I was.

"Let's get you home." Camille said as we reached the First floor and walked out the doors to her car.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 **

*I didn't realize how short the last chapter was until I looked it over. So I thought I'd post another short chapter so it's like I posted one long chapter:)*

I vaguely remember pulling up to Darcy and I's house with Camille. I didn't care what was happening around me, all I knew was that I felt like I was gonna pass out any minute.

Camille opened the passenger door, causing me to fall onto the pavement. I could feel myself instantly sobering up some but not a lot.

"Sorry." She apologized, helping me up.

"It's...Fine." I slurred, stumbling up the steps and pushing the door open.

"Daddy?" I could barely hear Mia's tiny voice say as she came down the steps.

"Hey,sweetie!" I managed to say, forgetting that Camille knew nothing about me being married with children.

I picked up my two year old, swaying back and forth before stumbling and falling onto the couch.

"James? Since when do you have a kid?" Camille asked, taking a seat.

"I have a sister too! Her name's Peyton." Mia stated proudly.

"Really?" Camille asked, sounding interested, "What's your name?"

"Mia! Mia Diamond!" She said, flashing a cheeky smile.

I was to drunk to care anymore, or even register that my secret personal life was slowly leaking out.

"Who's your mommy?" I can remember Camille asking.

"Her name is Darcy. She loves Daddy a lot...but they're fighting right now."

I could feel Camille staring at me in disbelief as I slowly began to lose contact with the world.

"Come on, James, let's get you and Mia to bed."

I could hear Mia giggling at the comment and I started laughing too.

I remember collapsing in the bed and hearing Camille closing the door on her way out.

I laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

There was only one thing I could think of right now that I wanted so bad it hurt.

Some heroine, cocaine and a cigarette.

I rustled in the sheets, feeling as if the room was spinning.

I thought of Mia in the other room, briefly. It would be bad for her to come downstairs or find wherever I was while I was getting my fix.

I closed my eyes, trying to shake the thoughts but I couldn't.

I slowly stood up, trying to keep my balance as I stumbled down the steps, falling down the last few.

Making my way over to the fireplace where I hid my stash of all things horrible.

I could see my life slowly crumbling away to what it was in my dream.

I was becoming a drug addict and I needed help.

I can remember slowly sticking the needles into my skin and feeding into my need before hearing a tiny voice behind me.

"Daddy? What's wrong with you tonight?"

I quickly hid the drugs, feeling the effects of them on top of all the alcohol.

Mia was in her pajamas, grasping onto her teddy bear.

"Nothing, I, I am perfectlyfine." I slurred, my two year old slowly starting to back away when I tried to stand up.

"Daddy, what's the marks all over your arms?"

"Nothing." I said, starting to feel my temper rise for no reason.

"They have to be something!" Mia stated, giggling. "I love you, daddy. I just want you to be okay, so what's wrong?" She added, kissing my cheek.

I felt myself losing my patience with her questions and part of me didn't know why. She was telling me how much she cared for me and what did I do? I blew up on her...

"GOD DAMMIT, MIA! I TOLD YOU ITS NOTHING! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I yelled, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her.

She fell to the ground, crying and trying to get away, "Daddy! Stop! You're scaring me!" She said.

Honestly, the good part of me was scared of the person I was at the moment.

Nothing could hold back my anger and I had no idea why.

Mia was running up the steps when I reached her, grabbing her arm and causing her to fall.

"Don't ask anymore questions, okay?!" I demanded sternly.

She didn't answer and I gripped onto her tighter, "I said DON'T ASK ANYMORE QUESTIONS. DO YO UNDERSTAND?! "

What happened next I regret every minute of...

I shook Mia, making her lose her balance as she tumbled down a few stairs, reaching the bottom and laying there, motionless.

I felt my body instantly sobering up, shocked at what I had just done.

I ran down the steps, scooping Mia up in my arms.

Her limp body seemed tiny and fragile in my arms and I felt tears run down my face.

I had hurt my baby girl.

I was worried to drive because of everything I had just taken do I quickly pulled my phone out of my pocket, dialing Kendall.

"Hello?"

"Kendall, I need you to drive me to the ER..."

"What? Why?"

"I...I hurt Mia..."


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

I paced back and forth in the waiting room of the hospital, mumbling to myself and running my fingers through my hair.

"James, sit down." Kendall ordered. I could tell he was getting tired.

We had been in the ER for 5 hours and there was still no sign of how Mia was.

I continued to mumble and pace and I could hear Kendall sigh.

"James. Did you not hear me? Sit. Down!" Kendall repeated, closing his eyes.

"I can't." I said, finally sitting down and sighing.

"It'll be okay, James. Mia will be fine." Kendall assured, leaning against the chair and trying to fall asleep.

"I'm gonna go get some air." I said, standing up and walking outside.

I fished into my pocket, finding my lighter and my cigarettes.

I lit one, taking a puff of it.

I gazed down at the lit end of the cigarette.

Why did I start this? Now I couldn't stop.

I had started heavily drinking last year and smoking two years ago.

I started doing drugs only a few months ago but I took them frequently...like...every day of every weekend.

"Oh. My. God. You're James Diamond!" I heard a voice say and I turned to see a teenage girl with a BTR shirt on.

I quickly put out the cigarette and put on my best fake smile.

"Hey, how are you?" I asked, hugging her.

"I'm good! Going to visit some family members in here. Why are you here? Are you okay?" She asked, noticing the tear streaks down my face.

"It's...it's my daughter." I answered, not caring about saying anything at the moment.

"Daughter? Since when?"

"She's two." I said, starting to cry again.

"James, it'll be okay." The girl assured, pulling me into a hug.

"I told you guys he was here!" I heard a voice call as reporters swarmed me by the door.

"James! Why are you at the hospital?"

"James! What's happening?!"

I started to get overwhelmed and suddenly Kendall appeared in the door.

"James, come on!" He said, pulling me inside.

"Is there anyone here for Mia Diamond?" A nurse asked and I ran to her side

"Me! I'm her father." I stated, worry rising In my body.

"Come with me." The nurse said and Kendall and I followed through the double doors.

"You're lucky you made it here when you did. It could have been fatal." The lady explained and we reached a hospital room.

I looked into the room, seeing Mia lying in a bed.

"Can I see her?" I asked, placing my hand on the window of the closed door.

"What exactly is wrong with her? Was there any damage from the fall?" Kendall asked.

"Thats the issue..." The nurse started and I looked to her.

"Issue? What issue?" I questioned, turning to look at the two of them.

The nurse sighed, "Mr. Diamond, She hit her head pretty hard, causing some damage to parts of her brain..."

I turned back to the window, "Oh my god..." I said, starting to sob.

"She doesn't remember much. She still does know the basics like speaking and walking so she's perfectly normal, but, she doesn't remember anyone or anything else."

"She doesn't know I'm her dad?" I asked, feeling tears pouring from my eyes.

"No, Mr. Diamond, I'm, I'm sorry." The nurse said before leaving Kendall and I alone.

"James, I'm so sorry-" Kendall started.

"Kendall, why am I still alive?! I hurt my baby girl! I don't deserve to be alive still!" I yelled, sinking down to the floor.

"Don't start-"

"IT'S TRUE! Dammit! I don't need to be here! I should be laying dead!" I yelled, drawing my knees to my chest.

I had to tell Darcy, no matter how much I didn't want to.

She had to know the truth...

Or did she...


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 **

I was happy to bring Mia home even though she was still asleep.

I carried her up the steps after Kendall had dropped both of us off and laid her down in her bed.

She rustled in the sheets a little, whimpering. I found her teddy bear laying on the floor and picked it up, laying it beside her.

I kneeled down beside her bed, pushing her hair from her face.

"I'm so sorry, Mia." I said quietly, feeling tears streaming down my face.

I stood, leaving the room and turning the light off.

I walked downstairs, feeling depression sinking in. I felt horrible for what I had done today.

I bent down to inspect the video tapes and DVDs under the TV. They were all home movies and I popped one In the DVD player entitled "Malibu Trip 2012."

I sat down on the couch as Peyton's face popped up on the screen.

"Hi daddy!" Her voice called. We were all sitting on the beach in Malibu. Darcy was putting sunscreen on Peyton and Mia was nowhere in sight.

"Get that thing out of my face." Darcy said as the camera zoomed in on her and I laughed, thinking back to the trip.

"Where's Mia?" She asked on the film and my laugh could be heard as I moved the lens to focus on the two year old dragging a giant surfboard behind her.

"I wanna be like daddy!" She called And I handed the camera to Darcy, running after my daughter.

I sat on the couch, remembering the day.

It was the day Mia surfed and I took her out with me.

I turned the video off, not wanting to watch anymore memories. Memories that were lost.

I sat on the couch, the glow of the fireplace being the only light in the house.

I felt alone. I felt horrible.

I felt like I shouldn't even be alive.

Maybe I was right in thinking that. I don't know.

I just felt miserable about what I did to Mia and I thought something needed to happen...

I walked back up the steps, peering into Mia's room. She was breathing slowly and whimpering and my heart sank more.

I walked down the hall to Darcy and and I's room, laying down and staring out the window at the starry sky.

I heard my phone vibrating on the table beside the bed and I stood up. Taking my shirt off to sleep anyway.

I ignored the call when I saw it was Darcy. I didn't feel like fighting with her now.

I thought about Mia. I wanted her to be close to me in case she woke up and was scared and confused.

I walked back to her room, picking her up from the bed and grabbing her bear.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, holding her tiny body in my arms like I used to when she was first born.

I sighed, looking down at her.

This was all my fault...

And I needed to do something about it...


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I opened my eyes, gazing down at Mia who was laying on my chest.

"Mia." I whispered, shaking her a little to wake her up.

She whimpered a little and turned.

"Mia, wake up." I repeated as I moved her from my chest and she blinked awake.

I didn't expect her too but she did and she looked up at me, rubbing her eyes.

I wanted her to prove the doctors wrong and show that she remembered me.

"Daddy?" She questioned and I jumped out of bed, picking her up and hugging her tight.

"I knew you'd remember me!" I said, hugging her close to me tightly and I started to cry tears of joy.

"...Where am I?.." She questioned and any hope that I had was crushed.

"You don't know? This is your home." I explained, hearing the front door open.

"James?!" I heard Darcy call and I began to panic.

"Who's that?" Mia asked, following me to the top of the stairs and hiding behind my legs.

"James, why didn't you answer my call last night?" Darcy asked, angry. "I was worried."

"Um.." I stammered, not knowing what to say.

"Hey! Don't yell at my daddy!" Mia said, leaning out from around my legs.

"Mia!" Darcy said in disbelief.

"Who are you, anyway?" She said, hugging my legs tighter.

"James, what is she talking about?!" Darcy said, beginning to grow angry.

"Darcy, I...I need to talk to you..."

"Why doesn't she know who I am?!"

I sighed and Mia ran off to my room and I went downstairs to Darcy.

"Last night, I, I got drunk..."

"Oh my god! You hurt her didn't you?!" Darcy spat at me.

"Darcy, I didn't know what I was doing!"

"You ass! What did you do to her?!" Darcy yelled, kicking me in the crotch and causing me to double over in pain.

"Dammit, Darcy!" I yelled, falling to the ground.

"What did you do to my daughter?!" She yelled, beginning to cry.

"I, I shook her and she fell...down the steps...She doesn't remember much." I said, groaning in pain.

"God, you're such an ass, James! Why did I even marry you?! You're never home, and when you are you're usually drunk or something!" Darcy said and I stood up.

"Darcy, it's not my fault that my job is being famous, okay?!" I yelled back.

"Well, none of that matters anymore." She yelled, storming upstairs and grabbing Mia. "I'm taking Mia with me this time and I don't know when I'll be back, if I'm ever back."

Mia was crying and reaching for me, "Daddy! I want daddy!"

She had large tears running down her cheeks as Darcy stormed out with her, slamming the door and causing a picture of the four of us to fall to the ground, breaking the glass.

The house had never been so silent and I felt like a piece of my life had just been ripped apart.

I felt more alone now than I ever had...

And honestly it was the worst pain I had ever felt.


	8. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

*Seriously considering changing the name of this story because a song started playing on my phone while I was writing this chapter and it is like perfect for this story. So I most likely am going to change it after you've read this!*

"What do you mean you're going to stay with your sister in New York?" I said angrily into the phone, running my hands through my hair.

"I mean exactly what I said." Darcy responded.

"Darcy, you can't do this. You can't take my daughters clear across the country and keep them from me!"

"James, you have problems. You need help. I'm not leaving Mia with you. She's getting along fine without you."

My heart sank and broke at the last line. I hung up the phone.

James, they don't need you anymore. Why even bother?

Peyton and I had honestly never got along very well. She was always Darcy's kid.

But, Mia and I always did everything together and not having her in the house was a strange feeling.

I felt like I had no reason for living.

I walked upstairs, entering Mia's room. Anger and pain took over my body at the fact that she had been taken away from me and I knocked some picture frames from her dresser.

I picked the frames up, seeing that all three were pictures of her and I.

I decided to leave the room before I did something stupid and I walked downstairs, laying down on the living room floor.

I hadn't felt this miserable in a while and I thought of all my possibilities...

I had beer in the fridge and drinking away my problems was a possibility.

The razor blades upstairs. I could resort to cutting like I had a few times before...

And then drugs were my obvious option.

I laid on the floor for a few moments before deciding on what to do.

I was going to the bathroom to find some razor blades. I tried to make myself think of my dream. I was a miserable person and stuck in a hospital. My brain didn't seem to care that I would be possibly seriously hurting myself. Hell, I didn't care.

Obviously no one else cared either considering I was alone and deserted.

I hissed at the pain of the sharp blade on my skin as the blood surfaced and ran down my arm.

Life was becoming just as bad as I had imagined it would have.

I knew I wasn't asleep this time because the pain was all too real. The pain of being unwanted and alone.

My wrists were bleeding intensely and I began to feel light headed, stumbling and falling to the floor.

"James?" A voice called from downstairs but I didn't feel like answering and my vision began to blur.

It sounded like Logan and he called for me again.

I could hear his footsteps on the steps and soon he appeared in the bathroom doorway.

"James?! James, stay with me." I could hear Logan's voice demand as he pulled his phone out of his pocket;

"Guys, get here quick, it's serious." He said and I figured he was talking to Carlos and Logan.

"It'll be okay, James. Just breathe." Logan instructed and the last part repeated like a broken record in my head.

Just. Breathe.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"No, dude we can't tell him yet." I heard Kendall's voice say as I began to open my eyes.

Everything started to blur into view and I could see Kendall, Logan and Carlos leaning over me.

I groaned, feeling the tight gauze wrapped around my wrists.

I rubbed my head, looking up at my three friends.

"What happened?" I asked, sitting up in bed.

"You acted like an idiot is what happened." Logan answered, "You're lucky I showed up when I did. You could've died. You were pretty close to it."

"Where's Mia?" I asked, looking down at my wrists, "Why am I bandaged up?"

"You're bandaged up because you cut yourself." Logan explained, giving me a look.

"Where's Mia?" I asked again.

Everyone in the room decided to find something else to occupy themselves with. No one wanted to answer my question.

"Guys, where is Mia?!" I asked yet again, anger rising in my voice.

"James. Just drop it." Carlos said and Kendall agreed.

"What's happening? What's going on?!" I asked.

"James, there was a bad accident in New York...Car crash...The driver was out of control..." Logan began to explain but I cut him off.

"No. No. No. No. No." I kept repeating, shaking my head.

"He ran up onto the sidewalk apparently or ran through the crosswalk...Mia...Mia was right in the middle of it..." Logan continued and I let my head fall to my hands, gripping my hair.

"James, she's in critical condition...She's on life-support as we speak..."

"No." I kept repeating, "If I would've just stood my ground this wouldn't be happening! I shouldn't have let Darcy take her!" I explained, crying the most that I ever had.

Carlos rubbed my arm, "It'll be okay, James...trust me..."

"YOU DON'T KNOW! She, she could be dying right now! She IS dying!" I yelled back, jumping up out of bed and feeling dizzy. "I want to go see her. I want to tell her goodbye."

Logan sighed, "You're not going by yourself."

I looked to my friend and nodded, "We're leaving tomorrow morning. I'll get two plane tickets."

Logan nodded and I walked down the hall to my computer room.

I didn't want to let go of Mia. At all. And I sure as hell wasn't leaving without telling her how much I loved her.

I had tried to call Darcy numerous times but received no answer.

I started getting teary at the thought as I purchased some plane tickets.

Next stop, New York City.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

I stood in line at the airport with Logan to go through security.

I tapped my foot on The back of my luggage and Logan gave me a look.

"Would you just calm down?" He asked, stepping on my foot to stop the tapping.

I sighed, "No, Logan, I can't."

"It'll all be okay, James. I'm sure she's fine." He assured as we moved up in line.

I heard a phone ringing and Logan fished into his pocket to grab it.

"It's Darcy." He said, quickly answering it.

"What is it? What's going on?" I asked and Logan's face turned pale.

"Okay..." He answered, hanging up the line and I gave him a "What's-going-on." look.

"So?" I asked, moving further up in line but Logan didn't move.

"James..." He started and my heart began to sink.

"No." I said, starting to back up.

"James, they, they tried everything." Logan explained and I felt like everything was a blur.

"This isn't real." I protested, backing up more.

"James, she's gone." Logan said again, walking toward me.

I stared at him, shaking my head.

"I can't deal with this anymore. The pain. The loss. I can't! I'm...I've...I've got to find some peace."

"James, don't." Logan said, alarmed at what I was hinting.

"I have to end it, Logan. I don't have any other choice!" I yelled, starting to feel light headed.

I turned and ran out the door and from his presence.

I planned it all out in my head as I ran from the airport.

Overdose. Easy and fast.

I felt myself bump into someone, causing both of us to fall to the ground.

I looked into the girl's eyes, instantly remembering her.

"Well, if it isn't James Diamond." She said, smiling at me as she helped me up.

"Zoey." I simply said, trying to push past her to get back to my house.

I hadn't seen Zoey for 8 years. Honestly, the last time I remember seeing her was at a party when we were both 16.

Zoey and I had a past. A past as in at the same party we ended up in a room together and I think everyone can do the math to how the night ended.

"How have you been, James?" She asked and I took some time to look at her.

She looked tired, worn down.

"Not well...I actually need to be getting home..." I said, looking past her.

"Listen, James, Its been a while since I last saw you..."

I cut her off, "Zoey, I really need to go." I pushed past her.

"James, James, I have to tell you something." Zoey said, reaching for me.

"What?!" I snapped, "What's so important?!"

"James, James, we have a daughter."

"What?..."


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

I sat on the bathroom floor, screaming.

I didn't know what else to do. My baby girl was gone, Darcy didn't want anything to do with me and I found out I had an eight year old with a girl I hadn't talked to since I was 16.

I wasn't one to normally show my emotions but the tears kept flowing.

I leaned against the bathtub, cutting away at the skin on my wrists and up my arms.

Kendall was beating on the door but I ignored him.

"James! Stop it! Please!" He begged.

"Just leave me alone!" I yelled, cutting deeper into my skin.

I stood up, not bothering to cover the cuts. I watched the blood run down my arm and drip to the floor.

I rummaged through the medicine cabinet, pulling out prescription bottles.

I didn't even read what the medicines were, I only opened the lids and took the pills by the handfuls.

I realized what I was doing when it was too late.

I felt my grip loosen on the bottles as I fell to the ground against the door.

I started to grow scared and regretted what I did.

Kendall finally broke through the door and I started to feel sick.

"Kendall, make it stop." I begged, grasping my chest, "I don't want to die."

Kendall collapsed to the ground beside me and Logan came running in too. Carlos stood in the doorway, pacing.

"Logan, go call 911." Kendall ordered and the short boy jumped up from the floor.

Kendall was attempting to help me sit up.

"Shit.." He mumbled, Propping me up against the bathtub. "James, you cut your head when you fell and between that and your wrists you're losing a lot of blood..."

"Kendall, please don't let me die." I begged, reaching for his arm as he got up to get bandages.

He didn't answer and only turned away.

I could hear Logan's voice in the background, "There's an ambulance on the way. Darcy's on the phone now."

Darcy. Why didn't I think of Darcy? Losing two of her loved ones...

"Darcy, he can't talk right now." Logan said as he passed by the door.

There was a pause, "He overdosed and cut...Yes he meant to...Because he's stupid."

Kendall came running back into the bathroom, reaching for my arm to wrap the cuts.

"James, stay with me. Don't close your eyes, okay?" Kendall ordered but it was hard to obey.

My eyelids were feeling heavy and my body started to feel numb.

"No. James! Come on, James! Stay with me!" Kendall started to yell but I couldn't help it.

I heard Carlos yelling, "The paramedics are here! Move out of the way!"

I slowly felt my eyes closing before voices faded and darkness filled my mind.


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

*Don't feel very pleasant. That's why this is so short :-/*

"He's never going to fully recover. That's a fact." I heard a doctor's voice say in the distance along with some soft crying that sounded like Darcy.

I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't. I felt as if my entire body wasn't capable of doing small tasks and it was terrifying.

I was in pain as well but I couldn't tell anyone.

I could just lie there.

Motionless.

I felt Darcy grasp my hand and lean her head on my shoulder.

"I just want you to be at peace." She began, starting to get choked up.

I slowly closed my hand around hers, trying to tell her that I was okay.

At this point I knew that I was slowly dying and I realized how selfish I was for taking my own life.

I shouldn't have done what I did and I still had no idea why I did.

"Please tell me you're okay. Tell me you'll make it through this." Darcy said and I knew the answer was no.

I squeezed her hand tighter.

"Ow, James." She said, trying to pull her hand away but I didn't want to let go.

"Daddy?" I heard a tiny voice ask and it sounded like...Mia?

"I guess now is the time to tell you...Mia is fine, James, I just called you and made up the lie about her being hurt. I, I was just selfish and didn't want you to have her..."

My heart completely broke in two. I had tried to kill myself because I didn't have Mia anymore and she was fine all along?

I tried to open my eyes when I felt the bed sink in and I heard her soft cries.

I wanted to see her, to hold her. Hold her just one more time.

My eyes barely opened an I could see her a little.

She was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning against my torso and crying.

"Mommy, Daddy's gonna be okay, right?" She asked through her sniffles.

Darcy sighed, "Sweetie, come on. Let's talk."

I tried to grab for her arm but failed due to my weakness.

I didn't want to accept the fact that life was slipping away from me. I wanted to grab it but, it was running away too fast.

Silence filled my thoughts and the room once Darcy had left and I wanted to cry but couldn't.

I just needed to accept the fact that what's done is done.

Questions about Mia and Darcy lying swirled around in my head and I didn't know what to feel or think.

I was slowly dying and nothing could change it.


End file.
